Now and Then
by CheerUpDoodle
Summary: SxS Lost and alone, heartbroken and numb, maybe it will never be as it was before, but they can try.
1. Default Chapter

Errr, yes, so, my very first fan-fiction ever, my first attempt at what could become a long story, of any description in fact. Should be interesting, try and be nice, if that's possible, I'd appreciate it, really.

It's several years after Ultimecia's end, and it had seemed to be going so well for the soon-to-be-wed Squall and Rinoa, but old habits die hard, and the engagement breaks off, leaving Rinoa pregnant and Squall even more hostile than before. For stories sake a beaten down Seifer arrives at the Garden as a last resort, after being shunned from everywhere else.

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own FF8, isn't that a surprise.

* * *

He had never really opened up. Not in the way they claimed he had, and though she had tried the change in him had been nothing more than a flash, exploding outwards blinding all those close enough and warming everyone in the garden with it's glow. She on the other hand saw him at his most vulnerable, and was the first to notice his fading glow – like all great things it burnt out fast, and she couldn't take it any more, she couldn't risk loosing the baby. With hushed whispers they stared, averting their gaze should she look their way, as she walked, down the all too long, all too crowded corridors of Balamb Garden. They watched with judgmental eyes, watched her staggering down the hallway laden down with bags and belongings, her whole life stored in the bags, her whole life held her hands. Tears smudged her dignity and make-up until finally Selphie stepped in and took the box she had been balancing on her hip, and some trailing luggage and eyes downcast, wordlessly led the way to the entrance.

He watched over the preceding from his office, empty and numb. Watched the woman he loved stumble out of his Garden, out of his home out of his life. He stared at the door long after she had gone through it, as if still mustering up the courage to suddenly scream 'Don't leave, I still love you.' But he didn't know if he still did, and whether it would even make a difference anyway, he didn't seem to know anything anymore. He'd managed to do what he he'd spent his whole life trying to do; driving away anyone who showed any interest in him. Rather than contemplate what it all meant, he turned swiftly on his heel to his heavy wooden desk, the bottom-most draw of which contained an ever-dwindling supply of whiskey.

* * *

Seifers POV

Now

"What?" A curt, clipped voice replied the other side of the door.  
"Err.. Commander Leonheart, there is someone here to see you." That was Xu, a woman of power if there ever was one, seeing her break a sweat doesn't surprise me all that much though. Seeing me who wouldn't? After all I did, so many never have forgiven me… why would they? So many stories, sometimes I thing some of them must be true, in many ways I'm glad I have no memories of what happened, what really happened…  
"Commander Leonheart, there is a young man here looking for a job" She repeated, seeming to hold her breath waiting for the reply. His sigh was audible, even on the far side of the thick mahogany door… curious how she didn't mention me be name, good job I guess…Hyne, does he know it's me? I'm all out of places to go.  
"Do we need any more staff?" He spoke slowly, each word stiff, awkward, and slightly thickened, very unlike the Squall I once knew.  
"Well, we could use someone, maybe, for filing; new admissions will be soon… that's always a strain." My god, it's like she wants me here, I mean if she didn't she could have just said there were no jobs, but why would she want me here?  
"Then hire him." Squall replied gruffly. She said nothing more, but ushered me quietly away, I've been in all too many awkward situations lately to object.  
"I can't guarantee he'll let you stay. When he finds out who the new 'secretary' is." Xu seemed almost cheerful as she led my down the familiar walkways the dormitory. Was that a statement? Was I expected to answer her… Hyne, I don't even know how to react in simple conversation anymore.  
"So what brought you back here anyway? I hadn't heard anything of you since the trial, well until this afternoon." She really was a chatty thing outside of uniform wasn't she?  
"I've always been interested in secretaries..." I couldn't help but smirk at my own little joke, maybe I wasn't such a lost cause after all.  
"Mr Almasy!" Hyne, I've gone too far.  
"Always were a smutty one, weren't you? Well I'd watch your tongue, if you're going to be working here, wouldn't want our cruder boys taking you up as a role model now…" ouch, as if I needed more reminders of what I'd done, it haunted my thoughts, my dreams, everything, and yet people still seemed to need to remind me, as if I might just forget.  
She stopped at an open doorway, to be my own, my 'home', if I was good.  
"Whatever you say… Xu" I slurred, eyeing her, with that idiotic smirk, Hyne. I just can't stop it. I just open my mouth and this sleazy, trash talk comes out. A whole alter ego, a big one at that. I had hoped just a little bit that the whole façade might end here, that I had grown up since I had been here last, that I no longer had to be this slimy womanizing, macho bully, that I might be able to tell someone how I was really feeling. But no. I Never was able to, what had I expected to change, why was here different to anywhere else?  
It hit me, a shock enough to make me retch, like someone had just sucked the blood from me, I threw my self though the frame of my room slamming the door in Xu's confused face, and falling to my knees. As it all came flooding back, worse than all the crimes I committed under Ultimecia… a hard on and a punch to the stomach.

Of course I still love him.


	2. Chapter 2

My reviewers are quite simply the greatest people in the world, really, I wasn't really sure if this was going to actually become something, you have all brought it errr one chapter closer to becoming something. So, thank you, you're wonderful. I get the feeling the story comes across as confusing – bear with me and have faith, it will all become clear in time, hopefully.

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Squaresoft. Silly goose.

* * *

Siefer POV

Now

The morning was damp and warm, promising to be muggy later… The perfect day to announce myself as the new member of the Garden. It seemed, somewhat, that this weather made people brash and aggressive, they would be in no mood to have a friendly chat with the guy that had most likely killed at least one person they knew, the destroyer of families. How many SeeD's died at my hands, how many had I known… before all this started… They didn't scare me, not really, I can defend myself well enough, and few of them really dare attack me, I mean if I was in their shoes I wouldn't either. But still no one likes to be alone, and I'm just so tired of the abrasiveness, I'm not looking for friends, just somewhere where I can sit and not be attacked, my body was still in top shape but my mind was tired. And on top of it all my last resort, my place at Balamb, all rested in Squalls hands. I'd had a restless night, Yes…Feeling numb sitting on my bed, looking at my shoes, waiting, for some courage to come not because of the people, the names or the fact that this was the last place I had left, but because I had to face him again.

* * *

Then

He was small but well built, with a femininity I couldn't just glance over. I had watched him for so long, stood in the shadows, silent, he probably didn't even know I existed; he seemed so lost in his own world. He frowned so much, crinkling his little nose in concentration. It was time to approach him, now or never, maybe what I was about to do was wrong, but I needed to do it, there was no other way.  
"Leonheart!" I shouted sternly. He turned, eyes wide shocked at the sound of his name breaking the silence.  
"What do you think you're doing up this late? In the training centre of all places. Hope you hadn't set your hopes on any secret little meetings?"  
"And what about you?" His lithe body stood calmly, but his eyes had let him down, they always had, he was terrified at what I might do.  
"I'm a year older than you… and on the disciplinary committee, I might add, I'm allowed to be up at this hour. You on the other hand, are not; Cid won't be too happy his star gunblader running himself ragged over secret night time meetings with girlies"  
"But I wasn't…" Squall had started defiantly, only to stop himself; my smug smile was enough to make him wither away. My word against his, simple as that.  
"I'll tell you what, Leonheart, come down to my room tomorrow evening, 9pm, ok, I need to punish you, but I won't be telling anyone." The relief in Squalls eyes was evident; it made my young heart melt. But he still stood muscles tense, body frozen.  
"Now go to bed before someone else catches you" I said slapping him on the shoulder, he flinched at the touch as I walked away.

Hyne… that was mean, a little low too, but Squall was too beautiful to loose, too closed to just seduce like any of the other whimsys.

The start of something special?

Probably not, just another fling.

* * *

Now

A knock, quiet even to my ears, doubt he'll even hear it inside, I'm just about to knock again when a sharp clipped voice stopped me... Hyne, I could just turn around, walk out of here, live a life of isolation. But I want to see him… I think, it's… it's all so awkward, what do I say to this man? What changed in him since I'd last heard word of the Garden, the wedding bells seemed to chime everywhere, echoing inside me. Everywhere I turned, discussion of how no one had seen him this happy… since… ever. Maybe he was, he doesn't sound it, maybe I'm just bitter, don't I have a little right to be? Hyne. No, no not even a little, I can't go in there like this, still a sour little kid, I still blame him, it was my fault, my stupid stubbornness, refusal to ever…  
"Are you alright Seifer?"  
"hm? What?" Xu, standing unnervingly close to me, still holding the papers she had been sorting through… I forgot she was here…  
"You seem a little stuck, just standing there, is Squall not replying? He might be sleeping; he's not really been on top form in the last few days…"  
"Oh, I'd better not wake him" I say making to move, but she's already leant across to the door, and, in what seems like a second I'm thrown into the room.  
"Yes?" His head is down working on some papers. the voice was lower this time, it had lost its sharp edge, the thick growl I recognized all too well as someone with too little sleep and far too much drink, and as I stepped forward I couldn't help but notice the faint small of stale drink on the air. The curtains were all closed, and the lights only on dim, it felt not too dissimilar to the musky bar in Dollet; I would miss afternoon lessons and catch a ferry over to a few times a week to waste my childhood away on watery beer and cheap wine.  
"I errrr… came…" his head glances upwards from his works, to mouth poised to tell me a crisp order, maybe to hurry up what I wanted to say, or speak with confidence… I'll never know, his words were lost to time, he gaped at me for a second or two… my heart skipped, squally, my squally… hardly changed, but then what had I expected to, his face still pale, features still delicate, fine bone structure, wisps of chocolate hair slipping across his face… across his eyes… his endless stormy grey eyes…looked tired, but I could still look into them for a lifetime, they were different, distant looking past me, through me…  
I snapped back into the room just as he did; his eyes flashed, dark and angry.

"You!" he snarled half standing, but returned to his seat, by the looks of him he could well be hung over. Hyne! I'd have no chance if he was in a bad mood, though by the sounds of it this was a pretty permanent state of mind  
"What are you doing here." It was more of a statement, laced with venom, that I shouldn't be there, rather than a question, and at that moment I'd rather be anywhere else.  
"I work here" I said, quietly, I probably have as much right as he does at being angry, but his intensity caught me off guard, I'm very much on the defensive.  
"Since?" Hyne, he blames me, for everything, I want to breakdown, tell him how sorry I am, but I can't, my pride is my character flaw, but at least I'm honest about it.  
"I'm your new secretary, you hired me yesterday."  
"… You shouldn't be here" his voice is lower, softer now, the voice of one realising defeat and not wanting to draw attention to it, but I can't stop.  
"But I should, I'm getting paid Squall, might as well put me to good use" I'm getting smug now, and hating it… I just want to put my arms around him… hold him.  
He makes to say something, but stops himself, changing his mind he mutters:  
"Report to Quistis, she'll know how to 'put you to good use'." And his head is back at his work, calling me to leave. I want to stay, ask him to forgive me, kiss and makeup, just talk but there's nothing to say to him, so I may as well heed call and leave. Feeling an unnatural heat rising heat in my cheeks, and tightness in my chest, I charge back to my dorm.

* * *

Squall POV

Then

It was dark, something about those lights flickering below me, in the Garden's gardens, intoxicated me, the cool air, blowing gently in from the sea; salty, tangy, fresh. Never did I feel more alive… And for a while I wasn't here, in my dormitory, here, in the Garden, In my mind I was anything I wanted, not confined to my scrawny body and sickly skin, I could go anywhere, be anything, spoke what I felt, and never did anyone give me a strange look, I was confident, handsome in a broad, tanned way. With a smile that made people melt…

Tonight I was on a particularly sunny beach, the Mediterranean climate was not too unlike Balam, but different, dryer and, well… just perfect. My tanned toned body attracting _wanted _attention, my smile radiating over everyone. A certain charismatic charm, which, I had always hoped would come with time, but never did. Tonight I had it all. Who would I choose today? For I could have my pick of _anyone_ here. God like. Yes, being Seifer Almasy would be perfect.

My eyes scan past a pale skinny boy, out of place in such weather, downcast and covered in black, looking strangely familiar. Hyne, what was I doing? Jerked back to reality. Even in daydreams I was rejected, by myself? I was sickly and disgusting, even the dreams didn't lie for a moment –too cruel to give me the illusion of happiness for even a moment. Nothing really new there then. But even in my dreams I couldn't force myself to ever get interest from anyone, let alone someone like Seifer. What was he doing being nice to me anyway? He had every right to just send me to the headmaster last night, what difference did it make to him…

It was 8:55 when I tapped at his door, an answer came almost immediately;  
"C'mon in" an easy slur, very sexy. I was breaking into a sweat just stepping into his room… There he was at his window, looking out over the same view I had only minutes earlier, smoking a cigarette...  
The silence was strangely comfortable, seeming to last a life time before he turned around, stubbing out his cigarette and flicking the stub out his window.  
"Ah, Leonheart, early? Just couldn't wait to see me no doubt." How do I reply to that? I swallow back the lump in my throat and force a nod.  
"Aright Leonheart, I got a job for you, or rather something I need some help with." He sat himself across his bed, making himself comfortable. Immediately on my guard, what was he up to.  
"Easy tiger, you look a bit tense, want one? It'll calm you down a little." He coos thrusting a cigarette packet in my direction.  
"No…No." I mutter, I can't look him in the eye, what does he want?  
"We can't go out for a while, for a good half hour, till the training centre clears out a bit, so you might as well make your self comfortable." He pats the bed with a sly grin but I edge towards a fragile looking wicker chair. He looks somewhat disappointed, but I can't really tell.  
"So, Leonheart, what have you been up to lately? SeeD exam not too far away eh?"  
"Err, yeah, ok, I guess." I hadn't answered his question. He didn't seem too bothered.  
"And the ladies?" he was leaning forward, eyes resting just below my waist. I couldn't help but squirm, how did I get myself into this?  
"Err… no non, at the moment."  
"Really? I'm surprised Leonheart, those girlies, practically throwing themselves at you."  
"…" what the hell am I meant to say?  
I looked down at my watch, another 10 minutes, I'd give just about anything to get out of this situation right now…  
"Want some?" the voice quiet by my ear shocks my back into the room, and he's there, breathing sweet, warm breath on my neck, close enough to turn around and kiss…  
"Do you think we should?" my voice is quivering, I can't put myself to quite look around for fear of loosing control, but then he's the one coming on to me right?  
"I won't tell if you don't" he purred, swigging back from the dark bottle. Licking his lips before putting the bottle to my lips…  
He touches me gently, tracing my jaw line as I drink, before running his hand down to the buttons of my shirt. And I just sit there, statuesque. It was only when the third button of my shirt had been undone that I came to my senses, jerking away from his touch. He looked up into my eyes, genuinely hurt.  
"Squall…"  
"I'm… I'm sorry, Almasy, I can't." And I race to the door, not looking back until it's firmly closed behind me and I'm half way down the hall, shirt still unbuttoned.

* * *

Right so that's the second chapter happily tucked away, really it's probably not much clearer than the first, but still, it's getting closer, I just don't want to go throwing the whole story out before it starts. Maybe a little to ambitious, but I'd like to keep a certain amount of mystery, rather than just telling a story, but then at the same time, I don't want to start with the story without looking back a little bit in to the past. Do I make any sense at all?

Just in case I've totally lost you with this chapter, I've flicked between past and present, and different points of view. I commend you for making it through this far.

Reviewers are loved and cherished. Really.


	3. Chapter 3

Yeah, it's been a fair few weeks I know. I'm quite busy; exams and all so this little story is taking a bit of a back seat until mid June (I know, I know they drag them out for long enough – but I've more or less got at least two or three exams a week till then) And I just can't risk starting up another chapter to find I've spent a whole afternoon on it. I don't want it to totally lose momentum though. We'll have to see. Basically apologies if this go on hiatus.

And on with the show:

* * *

Seifer POV

Now

The joy of air conditioning, oh how it can clear the mind, a cigarette would do nicely right now, but I'll never feel quite right smoking inside, and it's far too humid to step outside even for a few minutes… I can appreciate why they all retreated to office jobs, more or less. Problems just don't seem to haunt you quite as much in this cool sterile 'home', even the people here don't hunt me down as they have elsewhere, in-fact no on has confronted me, nothing more than a few double takes as I wander. I've refined it down to an art, wandering, without purpose or direction, away from nothing, towards nothing, I guess, any other would have been called a vagrant, another nameless faceless wanderer… if only that was the case.

My wanderings took me to the second floor, to Quistis's old classroom no-less, pausing at the door, it was time to finally do something with my life, that was why I had come back here right? To move on and actually achieve something maybe. What was the worst that could happen anyway, Quistis had always had a little bit of a thing for me, she would always be civil, it was her way… smear on the charm, the smile oozing confidence:

"instruct…." My god….

There in position in front of a young looking class, Zell… or what was left of him, a rather ragged aged man. How he had changed, scars littered his limbs and face, though his tattoo remained relatively untouched. Good thing too, that piece of eloquent beauty was best thing about him, something so mysterious and graceful was almost out of place. It had been something close to an obsession of mine in my younger years. When he first came in sporting it so proudly, claiming he'd done it for me; designed it specially and all, bless… I gazed at him, kissed it up and down, but I knew then he was not the one. Not the one I thought he was. Rather him than me.

His attitude however, seemed unchanged, he stood fighting stance afore his class, obviously 'enthusiastic about education'… or something equally corny.

"Seifer…. The hell!" Zell called across the classroom. Obviously having no knowledge of my return to the Garden, at which the students started a hushed discussion about the surprising new situation, who would win in a fight maybe? Some might be young enough to not recognize me, maybe, though its wishful thinking really, everyone knows me, they always will.

"Don't worry, chicken wuss, I won't keep you, I was looking for dearest Quistis."

Prickling obviously at the name, but equally perplexed at my sudden arrival mid-class, he replied:

"You missed her, left about an hour ago…" He'd matured, quite markedly, the vague answer… filled with subtle confidence.

"Oh? When will she be back?" I sound surprisingly pleading, strange how roles change, how people change, I like to think I'm living proof of that, Zell would seem to be as well.

"Not till the beginning of next week, earliest." He's advancing towards me now, and I find myself moving away, until we're both outside his classroom, the students gossip now audible even out here.

"…the hell do you want." Zell growls, too close for comfort, and there I am, the prey.

"I work here… Zell." He's a fair bit shorter than me, I've always towered over him, but somehow, now, his presence is far greater.

"Like hell you do Almasy, Maybe you've been hit round the head a few too many times to remember what you did, but you're not wanted here."

That was a blow worse than any physical wound. The malice in his eyes, rode on his words, and slapped me round the face.

"We have an obligation, to make sure these kids are safe, I suggest you resign whatever remedial job you're pushing and leave with at least a scrap of decency." He finished before turning

adding:

"And you ever go near Quistis, and you'll be wishing they had sentenced you to death at the sorry court hearing, I'll hunt you to the ends of the earth." Then Stepping back into his classroom;

silencing his class as he went. His gruff warning, if I'm honest had me shacking to the core, it lacked the immaturity, the lack of confidence that had made him so easy to anger, way back when. Constrained hatred lay in every word he said and the intensity of it left me there where he had left me for several minutes stunned. A lot can happen in a year, like Squall had shown, Zell had too changed, grown harder, thicker skinned. I like to think I had grown too.

* * *

Then

It was cold, the sun set early in the evening now, and on cloudless nights like tonight, bitter winds often blew in from the sea, bringing the salty tang of summer memories mixed with the bitter chill of winter to come. He had stood, looking gorgeous, gazing out into the wilderness, wild hair blowing frantically whilst I lit up my hundredth cigarette of the night before approaching him.

"sometimes I wonder…" he muttered

"Hm? Wonder what"

"… Oh, nothing really, just, it's so much effort, I sat in that bush for three hours, and well, would it really be that bad if it was public?"

I couldn't help but smile, sometimes, it was as if I could read his mind, his inner monologues, were as if he were talking to me normally. Sliding a finger under his chin and lifting his face to meet mine I reply:

"Then tell them, if you really want. Then we'll both be expelled, and be able to do what we want."

He didn't reply, lost in thought, but he won't be telling anyone about us, not for those reasons, exactly, but the unspoken social stigma is something he's not quite secure enough to deal with just yet. There were bound to be others like us, but, like us they were under thick covers, as was logical in a school which conformed students into killing units. Un-conventionality, in that sense was very much frowned upon.

With that thought in my head I kissed him, young and oh so suppressed, the breaking of the rules in this sensual way was a thrill on its own. Slipping deeper into the neat gardens, passion making my fingers all thumbs as I try to pull off his clothes, he follows suit, he's surprisingly rough for someone so petit, a lithe violence to him that's almost amusing… then he kneels down and gently pulls down my boxers, as is our habit, he's good, a quick learner, for someone seeming so lost the first time.

A shuffle the far side of the bushes make us freeze, a pair of deer caught in the headlights of a speeding truck there is very little to do other than stand and await the oncoming fate. I feel sorry for my squally, mouth poised, not quite sure whether to continue or to get up. He no doubt feels sorry for me, standing, all set up for something I was now quite obviously was not going to get…

"Is there someone in there" A disembodied voice called out

"You shouldn't be out at this time of night, if you don't come out in 5 seconds I will be calling the garden staff, and you will be escorted from the garden immediately." The voice barked, but I recognized it, and the slight nervousness it was trying so desperately to hide.

"Ahhh… instructor." I called back, meaning it to come out with my usual suave tone, though, due to the circumstance it sounded a little strained.

"Seifer? What do you think you're up to? Don't tell me this is one of your little disciplinary plots. Scare people misbehaving, because I'll have none of it."

"Eh… errrr… no, not at all ms, you see… I errr, was caught short… bit of a dodgy meal down in Balamb this afternoon, wasn't agreeing with me, and I didn't quite make it back in time." My god I was clever… wit always was on my side, or so I like to think.

There was no reply, she was obviously shocked and maybe somewhat disgusted by the image given to her, as was, looking down, Squall, who had retracted his mouth considerably and now was sitting looking thoroughly uncomfortable.

"If it's that's bad you should be in the infirmary. Or I should at least come in there and check on you." The call came from beyond the bush. Suddenly once again we were frozen.

"Eh, no, its err alright instructor, I'll be out in a minute, just be patient, I've got a little clearing up to do, don't want to shock the gardeners too much" I laughed nervously, whilst pulling my clothes back on, stumbling about and looking apoplectically at Squall, I wasn't the only one who had missed out on something this evening, and the occasions when we could get together were so few and far between that an incident like this led to great disappointment. Poor lad, I wanted so desperately to kiss him, knowing shamefully what I would do to myself when I had left Quistis's watch, but it wasn't the same. I stepped out into the dim garden lighting trying to look like I had indeed been having a disagreement with my food, decidedly unfulfilled.

* * *

Now

He was right, really, it was the only way to do it, no more running away from my problems, this time I would face them, back down, apologize, and then walk away, and then maybe leave with a little dignity.

The halls were unexpectedly quiet, guess everyone's in class. Up on the third floor, no Xu either. Just Squall to face then, I don't bother knocking, I'm on a roll, and if I stop I know I won't be able to carry on, so I burst into his office.

"…The hell…" He says looking up, caught off guard.

" I'm resigning." I proclaim.

"I don't know what's happened between you and Rinoa, Squall, but you've changed. And so have I. I don't know what I was expecting to find here, but it's quite obvious that there is nothing here for me. I know where I'm not wanted, so to save you, and everyone else the hassle of dealing me counteractive out-of-the-way jobs, I'm going to move on, as of tomorrow." Heaving outwards at the end of my hurried speech, I awaited his curt appraisal. Silence hung between us, for what seemed like forever.

Finally he sighed deeply, furrowed his brow and looked up hard into my eyes:

"Where did it all go _so_ wrong Seif?"

* * *

There we go: a little bit more insightful maybe, though I'm finding it a bit hard to have any deep and meaningful moments, as of yet. And, as a result, the characters seem a little hollow; I want a few more tears and tantrums, violent confrontation and all the rest. But then, the only person to blame for that is me. It will all come with time, hopefully.

And thank you to my reviewers, you are truly wonderful people.


	4. Chapter 4

Squall POV

Then

The days were growing colder, and the nights shorter, and it already seemed like I'd known him for a lifetime before I popped the question.

"If you've got nothing going on you know…"

"No it's fine, have you booked a table? I know this chick… she can get us a discount"

"Oh yeah, s'pose it gets busy at weekends,." I feel foolish. Of course you need to book in advance, that's what people dating do, they go out on weekends. Go out to restaurants, and the one in Balamb hotel is the only decent one for miles, of course it would be packed.

"Do you think we'll get a table?" It's all going wrong, already. I mean Christ, I should have asked him earlier… I should have booked a table…

"I'll sort it all out, don't you worry." He kisses me lightly on the forehead. How does he do that? Stay so calm, when so much could go wrong. And I want it to go well, I really do, I mean what if he doesn't like it and it gets awkward… and then everything gets awkward, and I lose him? I don't know what I'd do without him.

"I'd better be off, it's getting late, and I've got a few things I need to do…" he slips away, and I'm left alone again.

The nights are cooler, and the mornings have a crispness they didn't used to have, soon there will be frost on the ground and all the wonders of winter will show themselves again. The sunshine becomes weak, the ground turns hard a crunchy underfoot, your breath comes out in white clouds which hangs on the air, and then finally… snow. My favourite thing about winter is the silence that comes with snow. Complete silence, which blankets everything, and seems to get everywhere. It makes me feel like I'm a million miles away from anyone, like I could scream and scream until I was breathless and still no one would hear me. Any other time I'd sit and watch in fascination at how the world is constantly changing, always, in it's constant cycle but right now I want it to stop, just fix itself as it is now, just for a little while. I don't know what we'll do when the weather changes. When it's to cold to stay out long, or when rain pours constantly for 3 days solid. We got caught out in a summer storm a few weeks ago, but it was hot and the rain was cooling and sexual. Autumnal rain would not be nearly as exciting. But time never stays still, no matter how much you want it to.

On Saturday evening at eight o'clock we met in Balamb, We had a table outside, and by the time we arrive the sun was already setting, and it was dim enough that no one would easily recognise us. I had been unbelievably nervous as I waited for him, but it all dissolved as he emerged from the shadows where he had been waiting. He waited! Oh, the little things he did still made m heart quicken. He led the way, and spoke for the both of us, skipped the starter but had a side dish of salad, which we shared, just like a real couple. I had a pasta dish, he had something meatier, he even ordered some modest chardonnay… and well I hadn't drunk much before. I had never really had the opportunity, or reason to. By dessert, a sweet tartlet thing with a dollop of cream which I ordered but we ended up sharing, and chardonnay bottle number two I had found my tongue:

"You really are wonderful, you know that Seif… I mean, everything, this... this place this meal, and … you'know, everything. I just want you to know; you're so nice." And he looked at me with those azure eyes so complacently.

"I know you do love, but I think we'd better be going." Honestly I don't remember paying the bill, or leaving the table, but after we sat on the dock, his legs straddling me, his arms wrapped around me in silence, while I talked and talked about bullshit. It was my little ray of heaven.

* * *

Seifer POV 

Then

The moon was high and the waters calm, Squall was drunk, his usual nervous stiffness he had in public had all but disappeared, and he talked like there was no tomorrow.

"Shhh… kitten" I whisper sweeping hair behind his ear. It seems to work, as he goes dead silent, like he's holding his breath.

"Squally?" I mutter but before I realize what's happening he has spun him self around on the spot to face me, frantically kissing me while trying to pry my trousers open,

"Whoa, Squally" I mutter and wriggle slightly, afraid the young boy might pull both of us into the water, but I too am up for a little something, and his kissing seems so desperate. I manage to pry him away just long enough to stand up, and stagger slightly over to behind so cool damp cargo boxes, he follows like he's part of me, never more than half a step behind and as soon as I stop, we continue.

The air is thick and salty, enticing and exotic. He bends down to continue the proceedings, but I stop him…

"How about…" I spin him around, and ease his trousers down gently from behind, his flesh is chalk white, as if laminating a light all its own, but smooth and hot to touch. I feel my way, in the dark un-chartered waters, but I know where to go by instinct. He cried out, gripping the cargo with small fists quite a lot, but by then neither of us seemed aware of out surroundings. It was just the two of us trapped in the moment.

And when it ended? Well he collapsed on the floor, a writhing mass of euphoric alcohol induced bliss, he seemed happy enough not to have the favour returned, if I'm being totally honest I think he was a little too far gone to be up to much. But though I was fulfilled I was not happy, had he really wanted to de that? The sky was inky black, and the town had gone to bed, I paced, turning ideas over in my head, and seriously considered leaving him behind the cargo sleeping like a bum, but eventually the guilt won over and I slung him over my shoulder and headed for the garden. Not that we got there, I too had been drinking, and was genuinely exhausted by the time I had traipsed through Balamb, with Squall across my back. I gave up as we reached the woods, and dozed, keeping watch over Squall, his gentle breathing and un-creased features, until at the first lights of day my eyes wouldn't stay open and I fell into a deep troubled sleep.

When I came round the sun was high in the sky and Squall had gone.

* * *

Squall POV 

Now

"Times change, I guess" He turns to leave, but pauses there, waiting to hear my reply.

"It almost killed me, you know that?" Its all my effort I can muster to stop my voice from hitching, this is a conversation I should not be having, but the need for answers has been eating away at me for nearly ten years answers that have consumed me, changed me, aged me well beyond my years. Seifers aged too, though it was probably down to the cigarettes. He was not the empowering prefect he once was, his face had thickened; around his eyes, not quite the perfect complexion he used to have, and his cheeks where more hollow. Him! He was the one I pinned all my blame on, he had taken my heart, and he had torn it to shreds, He had been my world, I had been just another fling for him.

He turns to me with such resolution it makes me want to throw him down and forgive him, the way we did when we were young, fumbling and furious, a fire deep in your loins which had to subside before either of us could be anything close to civil, let alone caring, loving.

"That's why I stopped seeing you… I couldn't bear to watch you die…" he sighed, a great weight off his chest. But I almost did, and I wanted to scream at him, 'Why? If you cared so much why did you do it… was I not enough for you? If you cared even half as much as I had… leaving like you did would have killed you' But I couldn't, I knew all the answers already, and they weren't the answers I wanted, and time could do nothing to change that.


End file.
